I feel so insecure. I am in desperate need of my girlfriend's affection. I will even go to the extreme of making up things about what I am doing to make myself seem busy and popular. I recently told her I was being hit on at a bar and I wasn't. I wasn’t even at the bar! I have also lied about what I am doing and where I am just to try and make her jealous. I want her to wake up and see that I am good for her. Help!
Desperate in Delaware
Dear Desperate,Here is the thing. You cannot make anyone jealous. They either are or they aren't. And for the record, jealousy is not a good thing and it certainly isn’t something you want to obtain. The only thing you are making her feel is manipulated and knowing someone is manipulating you is a horrible feeling.
You are manipulating to get love because you don’t know how else to get it. It’s not out there…you have to have it for yourself. If this continues, one of these days, you're going to wake up without her. Where there is unequal power within a relationship, there will inevitably be a loser. And we aren't in relationships to win.
Your self worth can never be validated by someone else's love because it is not possible. If you want to feel worthy, make yourself human first. You can obtain your own self worth by first realizing that it's okay to feel bad or insecure. And it’s okay that you have been judging yourself just make sure you have forgiveness for yourself.
Try being honest with her instead. Tell her that you are feeling insecure in the relationship and that you don't want to feel like you are in a power struggle any longer. Be open, vulnerable and honest. It is hard to do, but the self worth and confidence you will exude will be palpable. Do not confuse vulnerability with weakness. Vulnerability requires great strength. There is weakness in manipulation.
Emily Wilcox is a lesbian advice columnist and author of 100 Lesbians Walk Into a Bar.... Follow her at @100LesbiansBook on Twitter