My wife and I have been together for 11 years, civil partnered for just over four. We always hoped to have kids one day. But just recently I have changed my mind, I suddenly have no urge to have them. Although I have never wanted to give birth my wife has and at 33 she feels like her body clock is against her. I told her how I feel and I knew she would be upset, understandably, as it's been both our dream for so long, to have a family.
She asked me if she would be enough for me in life with no kids and of course I said yes, I love her without any doubt, more than anything. I then asked her the same question, and she told me she wasn't sure.
She spent the last few weeks being quiet and moody. It doesn't help that wherever we turn someone is pregnant, including my sister. It's not bothering me anymore. It used to kill me inside knowing I could never give my wife a baby.
Then last night tells me she can answer my question now, basically she said no, I am not enough for her. She wants to have her own baby or at least try. She now feels like all the years we've been together working towards a family were for nothing. And she feels hurt and alone.
I feel like the last eleven years have been a lie, surely if she truly loved me she wouldn't even think about it. I was unaware she was still thinking about the baby. I just thought she just needed to get her head around the idea, hence the moods. Even if I change my mind anytime in the future I don't feel that I can tell her. We've always had a really honest relationship and talk about everything. She is my best friend. But how can I ever change my mind now knowing I'll never be good enough, because that's how it feels.
Am I just being selfish by thinking like this? Please give me some advice?
It's me or the Kid?
Dear Kid
First of all, I am sorry to hear of your problems. This is a hard one. Eleven years with someone is a long time and I am sure you love her very much. But as we all know, it takes more than love to make a relationship work. This has got to be one of the hardest things. I've known several couples who have broken up over the issue of having children. If someone wants kids, they just do. Their life will not feel complete unless they have them. There is nothing you can do or say to change that.If someone does not want children, that is how she is too. You can't change that about yourself. Very often when a couple comes to this realization, that they have different desires around children, a break up is inevitable. There is no way both can get their desires met. I can't think of a stronger example of "irreconcilable differences" than this. Some women just can't feel fulfilled unless they have children.
This must have come as a shock to her, since it is something you both planned to do together for so many years. You're feeling betrayed and like the last 11 years have been a lie. She might be feeling a very similar way. It was good that you came to this realization now, before she actually became pregnant, and brave of you to tell her your truth.
It does not mean she never loved you. In fact, she probably still loves you very much. You don't say what changed your mind about having children. She will probably want to understand that better from your perspective.
I would suggest the two of you find a good couple's therapist to see if there is any way the relationship can be saved. My guess is that it won't. A break-up is probably inevitable. I only hope you can do it with grace and love. Best wishes to you both. It will be hard, but I really don't see another way.
