My girlfriend is constantly questioning where I am, whom I’m with and what I am doing. It is making me crazy! If she even sees me looking at another girl for too long, it turns into a fight. I always reassure her, but I am tired of living like this. What can I do to help her stop being so jealous?
Fed Up in Frankfort
Dear Fed Up,All of the assurance in the world will not help her to quit being jealous. That would just be a waste of everyone's time because even if you spend twenty-three hours and forty-three minutes a day reassuring her, she will only notice the seventeen minutes in which you had other things you needed to do with your life.
You cannot force someone to change. Her jealousy has nothing to do with you, no matter how great you may be! This is about her and her own issues. If you want to stay with her, you have to accept her exactly the way she is. Wishing someone would behave differently is like standing in the middle of the hot desert and begging for snow.
However, you can help her to see what it was in her childhood that made her feel so vulnerable. Our essential job in relationships is to support our partners in their growth and awareness. Once she figures out why her fear of abandonment is so scary, she will consistently be able to recognize why she has this unrealistic fear whenever her jealousy arises. She can then equate her earlier-similar loss to her present feeling every time it comes up. After time, the connection between the two will be automatic and her jealousy could eventually subside.
Emily Wilcox is a lesbian advice columnist and author of 100 Lesbians Walk Into a Bar.... Follow her at @100lesbians on Twitter