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Sex and Intimacy Issues in Long Distance Relationships

How to Handle the Jitters About Sex For the First Time with Online Lover

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Dear Lesbian Life
I'm in a long distance relationship since 2008. We met in person after six months
of emailing and chatting and already knew that we were made for each other. Then we had our first time and it was bliss. After half a year we met in person again in the hotel for the 10-day winter break.

The problem (at least with me) was that I had been imagining all this for such a long time that making love for real became somehow not so necessary. We were so used to communicating via textual media and not face to face talking that it felt very weird and embarrassing to express feelings and communicate. We cuddled, but that was all we did.

Soon we'll spend the summer together and I'm afraid it will happen again. We voiced the concerns to each other and my partner calmed me down, but I still would like some neutral opinion on this situation.

I am very geeky and mostly live inside my head, did my PhD, work three jobs to provide for our getaways and feel responsible about our relationship. My partner is very passionate, talented and creative and we love each other very much, so I know that spending all summer together in clumsy attempts to try to make love would sadden her. I would appreciate any response or advice.

Signed,
Fearing Face to Face

Dear FFF

Much has been written about the sense of intimacy that can be created when you have a relationship that primarily takes place online. In many ways, it is much easier to open up and be truthful about your deep feelings, fears, hopes and dreams when you’re conversing online.

There is a danger here, of course. We are able to show only our best sides, read and re-read what we are trying to say before we hit “send” and share our idealized version of ourselves.

While the two of you have spent countless hours getting to know one another on an intimate level emotionally, you haven’t put in the face-to-face time needed to get to know one another on the physical plane.

It’s when we spend time together face-to-face that the other parts of ourselves come out. The side that is grumpy before she has her coffee, leaves her dirty dishes in the sink or has issues around sex and intimacy.

You and your partner have gotten to know each other via email, text messaging, phone calls and skype. But being in the same room, where you can see, touch and smell her is a whole other kind of intimacy. A whole new layer is exposed for you. Literally, as you undress one another, physically touch one another and make love for the first time.

For those who meet for the first time in person, versus over the net, physical attraction often comes first. But when you meet online, you become attracted to other things first, like shared interests, ideas about the world, playful use of language. Now it’s time to join these two worlds.

It’s time to get to know one another physically. Since you seem apprehensive, it’s okay to take things slow. You may decide that you’re only going to kiss and make-out for the first month. After that, maybe you’ll decide to go further. You have to take this at a pace that feels comfortable to you both. These other articles might be of help too:

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