I've been to your forums a few times over the last six months looking for a situation similar to mine to come up, but it hasn't so here goes. I hope you can offer some sensible words as there's nobody I could talk to about this otherwise.
To keep it short the facts are, I'm a lesbian in my thirties, out since I was 21, a few flings, a few short term girlfriends and then a long relationship that broke up just before my current one. My girlfriend of a year and a half has kissed many girls over the last few years but always been straight until me. We're mad about each other, but sex has never happened. We have a lot of affection and good communication, but fear stepped in from day one, which means it doesn't happen and now after so long there's a lot of pressure.
We're both pretty sensible people and know something has to change otherwise we're finished, but there's too much love there and we really don't know how to get over that wall. I have a lot of frustration lately and I don't mean of the sexual kind, just insecurity created by knowing that we're not in a normal relationship and one of us could walk out even though I really think we won't do that.
We've talked about her going to a therapist but she's scared she'll be laughed at and told it's obvious, she's not gay. I don't think it's that simple. Our communication has started to erode too, with the insecurity, so going to not spend every night together as we mostly do and see if this helps things. I'd be terrified to even post this on the forum for fear of somebody knowing who we are. I have a lot of good friends but they would think us both crazy and deluded if they knew. Would really appreciate some advice.
Dear Sexless in Seattle
First, I want to acknowledge that there are all kinds of relationships out there and sometimes people do choose to be celibate. There is nothing wrong with that, if that is what you both want.But it sounds to me like this is not something you both want. You want a sexual relationship. Perhaps she does too.
All I can say is there is some reason your girlfriend is afraid of sex. If she has been with you this long and still cannot go there, then I doubt she is going to be able to without some kind of help.
It sounds like maybe in the past she has been able to be sexual with men. If this is true or not does not matter.
I suggest she lose her fear of being laughed at by a therapist. If anyone were to do that, then she would not be a credible professional and she should seek out another counselor. Maybe your girlfriend will come to the conclusion that she is not gay. Or maybe she just has some sexual hang-ups that she needs to work through. Either way, a good counselor can help.
As you are aware, it takes more than love to make a successful relationship. Obviously you have chosen to live without sex for this long. You need to ask yourself if that is something you want for the rest of your life. (Or at least the rest of you time with your girlfriend.) Because that might be the reality. You don't know if she is going to be able to get over this or not. If sex within a relationship is important to you, then you might need to move on.
In addition to celibate relationships, some couples also agree to be "open." That is, they are free to have sex with others, while maintaining a committed relationship to each other. This does not work for everyone, but certainly there are couples for who this works. Open communication, trust and willingness on all parties involved are essential.
