Dear Lesbian Life:
I am just reaching the preliminary boundaries of a relationship with this AMAZING girl. We go to the same small college and are involved in two fairly different worlds; she's on a sports team here and wants to major in biology whereas I am a foreign language major and self-proclaimed theatre geek.We're both really supportive of one another's different activities, while also relishing in our similar tastes in music, food, movies and other such pleasantries. My problem is this: Because she is on a sports team, I never get to see her. She is hesitant to start a relationship because she is afraid. She's afraid of a few different things, not the least of which is commitment.
Spending time with her team is very important to her, but I feel like she may also be using this as a way to keep herself protected and hidden. Each time I try to do something sweet, or romantic, she appreciates it, and tries to let me in, but then eventually retreats. I tend to be the type of person that wants to sweep a girl off of her feet and plan romantic dates, and lay under the stars to talk about feeling small and humbled. I want to reach out to her and let her know that I support her 100%! I know how important her team is to her, and how hard it is to take that first big step of trusting the other person in any relationship.
I want to extend myself to her, and show her all that I have to offer, maybe even offer her a step out of her comfort zone. But I don't want to come on too strong or make her feel pressured at all! Any suggestions on how to proceed?
In Love with a Jock
Dear Jock Lover:
Well, as someone who participated in sports, I do understand how important it is to spend time with your team, both on and off the court. The bonding that happens with one’s teammates is a very special. For many athletes, teammates are like family. The connection she is having as a member of a college team is a unique experience she may never get to have again. You’re right not to want to get between her and her team.Here’s my advice. Back off a bit. You can’t force her to be ready for things she is not ready for yet, including commitment. It sounds like you’re in different places as far as relationships go. College is a time to figure out who you are, what you like and what you want to become. It is also a time to learn how to be in relationship with another person.
I don’t know what is keeping her from getting closer to you. Maybe she is just coming out of the closet. Maybe she has never really had a relationship before. Maybe the intensity of her feelings is too much and she needs to retreat from time to time. Maybe she is just a person who likes a lot of autonomy.
If you want to be in a relationship with Girl Jock, you’ve got to be in a relationship with HER. It’s not up to you to try and change her or ask her to step out of her comfort zone. That’s for her to determine. Where she wants to step may or may not be the place you want her to go.
People do relationships differently. What you see as being romantic and sweeping her off her feet may feel smothering to her.
Retreat for a bit and let her come to you. Let her know you want to see her and care about her, but drop the whole “sweeping her off her feet” scenario. See how she approaches you and follow her lead for a while. And in the meantime, stay involved in your theater and art activities, all the things that make you a well-rounded and attractive individual.
