Homophobic and Gay Friends - How to Maintain Peace Between Friends

One Friend is Homophobic, The Other Might Be Bisexual

Dear Lesbian Life:

I have a super tight group of about six friends. We're all in high school, and we're all considered to be pretty and feminine. My one friend, Julie is a little homophobic. She always ends any statement about lesbians with an "eww" and she likes to joke about gay people.

My other friend, Katie, is always sarcastic and likes to joke around about everything. Well, as you probably know about joking, half of the time the person is serious. Katie has said several times that she is bisexual, but more in a joking tone. Each time she’s said it, Julie has been around, so I didn't want to ask Katie if she was actually serious. I know this sounds stereotypical, but Katie plays sports, and is the least feminine of all of us. Also, my gaydar kind of activates around her (even though I would never like her as anything but a friend). So my real question is, should I bring her aside and ask her myself? I'm not out yet, but I plan on coming out soon, and I know the feeling of wanting to tell people but being confused and scared. What do you think I should do?

Signed,
Wants to help a friend

Dear Friend,

It’s nice to hear that you’re concerned about your friend, but what about your feelings when Julie makes the mean remarks about gay and lesbian people? Have you ever confronted Julie and told her that you don’t appreciate comments like that, that you have gay friends or family members?

I can think of several ways for you and Katie to have a discussion, without blatantly asking her if she is bisexual.

Talk about the Homophobia

First make sure that the two of you are alone. You can bring up the topic of your friend and how it bothers when she says “Ewww” about lesbians. You can ask her if it bothers her too.

Come Out to Her

The other thing you can do, if you think Katie is the kind of person who can keep your confidence, is to tell her that you are starting to question your own sexuality. Maybe the two of you will come out to each other and be a great support to one another.

Talk About Gay Issues

If you’re not ready to do either of these things and you want to find out if Katie is really joking about being bisexual, you can just bring up the topic is a casual way, like asking what she thinks about Lindsay Lohan being a lesbian. That can be a good icebreaker. Also check out this article: How to talk to your friends about homosexuality.