How did you come out to your parents?
I had been wondering about my sexual orientation for years. I'd already told several friends at college. Then in the summer after my junior year, I just couldn't hide anymore. I told my Dad first who is a better listener. Then I told my mom.
What did you say?
I told my Dad driving in the car one day. (At the time I identified as bi-sexual). Its hard to tell how he felt. He was supportive but he seemed a little uncomfortable. In-fact he didn't say much at all. At least he still accepts me and basically treats me the same as he ever did. However, from time to time he will lecture me about not being obvious.
My mom was a lot harder because she is a very emotional person. She was always a more subtle homophobe. She was the kind that would swear that she wasn't prejudice then go and make fun anyone she thinks is too gay.
So, for months I had been starting conversations about LGBT issues just to get a feel how she would react to her own daughter not being straight.
Eventually I couldn't hide anymore. I started talking about being lesbian so she said, "You're not lesbian are you?"
I said,"actually I like both"
She down at her feet, her face was red. At first she said in a very artificially calm voice
"Actually, I don't care what you are as long as you are happy."
Then she paused, sniffled and said, "Are you sure? I don't believe it. It just those friends you hang out with at that college. [My college was known as a lesbian college --which is actually false] ... and what about all of those boys you had crushes on?"
For the rest of the year she would repeat these statements --even when I was dating my first girlfriend. It was painful, and invalidating especially when I was with my now-ex. Finally, after she saw a special about the lesbian celebrity chef, Cat Cora, something clicked. Gradually, after that she became more and more accepting. Though she still gets upset whenever I act/dress too butch.
I don't think either of my parents will ever fully understand. I know my mom will still try to get me to wear girlier clothing, makeup and long girlie hair --something I've been trying to get away from since I was a kid. My dad will still talk about not being too obvious. I'll never really be able to talk to either of them about my relationships and my community. But at least I know they still love me and are still there for me, in any way they can be.
Advice
- Before you come out, make sure you have another place to go just in-case your parents are not accepting. I was luck, but so many are not.
- Find a friend or someone you trust who you can talk to afterward.
- Be patient and don't take what they say to heart. Remember, for years they had this dream of you getting married to to Prince Charming that just got shattered. Hopefully they will come around.
- Whatever they say, be true to yourself and be proud of who you are. It is better to be out than to force yourself to live a lie. My grandfather did it and it was more pain to himself and his wife than it was worth.
