How did you come out to your parents?
I was 18. I had known since I was 11, but had thought I was a freak until my best friend told me that she was gay too when we were 17. My girlfriend at the time was 14 years older than me, and was possibly the most butch woman I have ever met.
I probably went about it in the worst possible way. Firstly, my parents and sister had been on holiday and I'd had all my gay friends to their house for parties pretty much every night. My parents found out and were furious.
What did you say?
When they got back, I just blurted it out to my Mum in the car. She screamed and cried. She is Jewish and believes strongly that it is a sin. She told my Father who banned me from 'seeing those people and going to those places (gay bars)' ever again. Of course, I ignored this. I introduced my Mum to my ex-girlfriend in a gay bar (bad idea) and for 2 years I did nothing to dispel her preconceived ideas of gay people, which were all bad. I had short hair, I wore men's clothes and I didn't really care much for my appearance or my future. My friends were mostly uneducated, unemployed and in general a bad influence on me.
I was open with them about my second girlfriend which also didn't seem to please them. So when I met my current girlfriend I decided not to tell them. My sister who is 2 years younger, has always been very supportive, and gets on with my girlfriend like a house on fire! We've been together for 4.5 years now. It's not an easy relationship as I am studying in Prague whilst she lives in England, but we make each other happy and it's working for us.
I realized in my 20s that being a lesbian didn't mean that I had to shave my head and behave like a man. I'm still a bit of a tomboy, but I also wear dresses and heels when appropriate. My hair is long and I wear makeup when I go out. I am studying to be a doctor, and my friends now (gay and straight) are all hard working, law-abiding, ambitious people who love me just for being me.
It now seems to be public knowledge. At Christmas a family friend asked if I was spending the New Year with my 'special friend' which was rather warming. When I graduate next year I will be 30 and I plan on moving in with my girlfriend, we want to share our lives and grow old together. I don't know how my parents will deal with this, maybe they'll soften with more time.
They still haven't met Paula, one day perhaps. For now it's enough that my sister and my friends love her, and that my parents still love me, if not my choice of lifestyle.
Advice
- Give your parents space after telling them. I rubbed their noses in it when I should have conducted my affairs quietly and in my own space and time.
- Don't feeling pressurised into telling your parents by anyone.
- Choose an appropriate time and place, the supermarket carpark was not a good choice in retrospect!!!
- Most of all, if you don't feel ready and you know they'll react badly, don't feel you have to tell them; once the words are said, they can't be unsaid.
