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Kathy Belge

How Did You Know You Were a Lesbian or Bisexual?

By May 12, 2011

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It seems like every day I hear from someone who is desperate. She wants to know if what she is experiencing or feeling means she is a lesbian or bisexual. Here are three different letters that I received in the same week:

Super Confused

I am in my 40s and married with 2 children. I have always considered myself as heterosexual but I feel confused about my sexuality at this point of my life.

I remember as a teenager I saw a girl for the first time and I was attracted to her, we never spoke and I never saw her again after that. I could not get her out of my mind for months, even now I can still remember her. When I look at lesbian movies it turns me on. The tenderness and the connection and the compassion between the characters that are expressed, I long for.

Sometimes I feel so messed up, I feel thorn apart. I need to tell someone but I scared to do that because I'm married. I don't know if I'm gay or bi, please help.

What Am I?

Recently after these two days I have been feeling quite weird. I'm 19 yrs old who goes to university and there is a girl in my class.
I'm not sure if I'm attracted her or not. When I added her on Facebook and looked at her relationship status which she was with someone I imagined him and her on the bed. I was imagining her how her skin is soft.

I keep thinking to myself that I'm a lesbian but I don't want to think that way. So I keep imagining guys that I find attractive but it seems its not working. I want a normal life. If I tell this to my parents they will freak out. I don't know what to do.

What's Going On with Me?

I'm 38, and recently gone through a separation and divorce from my husband whom I had been with for 19 years. I have taken the last 20 months to work through the separation and get my head together.

During this time I have been on a date with one guy, whom was very nice, yet I didn't want to take it any further. During these last 20 months, despite being introduced to many new men and women through work and other friends, I have not been attracted to anyone. I felt that it was too early for me coming out of the divorce, and wasn't ready.

Last week, I was visiting customers and was introduced to the lady who would be my main contact there. This week I have been working quite a bit with her, and have found that I am really enjoying her company. I have also realized that I am really looking forward to going in there to see her. Today I was sat in the staff canteen on a table on my own, she came in to have a drink and sat with me. Also in the canteen where some of her work colleagues, so I just reasoned to myself that she was being polite.

I also found myself on the drive home thinking about her, and imagining going out for a drink with her. I don't even know if she is in a relationship with anyone, be male or female.
I have never felt like this towards any female and the last time I felt like this was with a male who became my husband. I don't think it is a rebound thing coming out of marriage as it's been some time, and I'm not the type of "lets go crazy and rebel against everything/one". So I'm not sure what is going on with me.

It might be helpful to these women and everyone else who writes in to me with similar questions to hear from you all. How did you know you were a lesbian or bisexual? Was there something that happened and you just knew? How did you decide that the feelings you were having meant you were lesbian or bisexual? Please share your story!

© kay mandrik

May 15, 2011 at 3:43 pm
(1) Salty says:

Hi Kathy, you know I can be long, so you can edit this the way you see fit if you decide to post this. :)

I know what I feel. Before I even started grade school I was attracted to females. I didn’t need to touch a woman to know that. At that age it was a romantic feeling, a longing. I remember watching tv shows and was interested in the women. I wanted to put my arms around the women. I wanted to be a rock star because Elvis in his movies had all the women swooning over him. Elvis was handsome and I liked listening to him sing but I wasn’t interested in him beyond that. I had a girlfriend when I was – I’ll say 9 maybe 10 years old. To this day I don’t know how she pictured me – as her girlfriend or boyfriend. Back then, we didn’t know girls could like girls. Dd she like me for me or was I just convenient because she couldn’t do with boys what she did with me? I don’t know. But there must have been something about me that she was drawn to because she picked me instead of another girl. :) We didn’t do much. No sex.

I’ll not go into details of my teen years only to say that I have kissed boys or better to say that boys kissed me and I felt absolutely nothing. The last time I let a guy kiss me as more than a greeting was when I was 19 maybe 20 years old. I didn’t know he was going to do it. It wasn’t a long kiss. I didn’t push him away because I knew he wanted to kiss me. I know what it feels like to want to kiss someone and never getting the chance to – so I let him kiss me. It made him happy and didn’t hurt me any. It just confirmed what I already knew – I was not romantically sexually attracted to – interested in men. No details about other females. You don’t need to know that. :)

Oh, I’ll add that I did have one official boyfriend but the time we actually spent together would probably add up to four hours or less. I was 18 or 19 years old. At my place, with my mom upstairs, we laid on the livingroom floor with him on top of me. Before he could barely get his body into contact with mine (fully clothed), I told him to get off me. That’s not anything that I would say to a woman. He tried different things to get me interested. He took me to his mother’s place so we could be alone. Nothing. He drove me to some place and parked and I still don’t know where we were. :) I could smell pollen so it was near a field of some sort. He took me to a drive-in to see a porn movie. We didn’t stay long because I was very uncomfortable trying to get his hands off of me and get a glimpse of the woman on the huge screen. :) I never got to go to a drive-in with a girlfriend because it soon closed down. I’ve never even seen a real adult penis except in a picture and video. :)

I didn’t have a word for my feelings until in my late teens I read the word lesbian and instantly knew it was me and I was so HAPPY. I’m a lesbian. When I am romantically sexually attracted to someone it will be a woman. I don’t date sex fantasize about men because I am not romantically sexually attracted to them. I silently thank my mom for leaving me alone and letting me be me. I never felt pressure to date men or to not date women. She’s never asked me about children, grandchildren. Thanks mom.

May 15, 2011 at 5:06 pm
(2) Elena says:

Personally I think people try too hard to label things. I am a woman in my early twenties who is currently engaged to a woman of the same age. I don’t consider myself to be a lesbian, or even bisexual. I’ve never been sexually attracted to women (and neither has my partner). I’ve never even had a minor crush on another woman. I’ve always liked men (and so has she). When I met my partner, I was forced to reconsider my perfectly straight life. I was madly in love with her. I still am. We were nothing more than friends. Then, one day last year, she sent me an email in which she told me about her feelings for me. I was just so happy that she felt the same way! Neither of us really know what happened between us or why we feel this way about each other. Even now that I’m with a woman I still don’t find other women sexy (apart from my fiancee). I don’t have female fantasies that include any other women. I tried so hard to find myself a label, but it didn’t work. Eventually the closest label I could get is “perfectly straight woman who happened to fall in love with another woman”. The only advice I can give you is to go with it. Don’t label yourself. Things will fall into place and you will just know when you’re with the one you can see yourself with in 60 years. Doesn’t matter whether that person is male or female.

May 15, 2011 at 11:25 pm
(3) surgicalgirl says:


I’ve finding it hard to digest your statement “I donít consider myself to be a lesbian, or even bisexual. Iíve never been sexually attracted to women (and neither has my partner). Iíve never even had a minor crush on another woman. Iíve always liked men (and so has she).”

I’m a lesbian and I’ve had many, many grade school, high school girl crushes and even crushes as an adult. Just like every LESBIAN I’ve ever met.

I find it hard to believe, you’re engaged to a women. I’ve met a lot of women like you. They aren’t confused and they know very well, that their not gay or bi. Why they’re having or wanting to have sex with a woman, I don’t know.

I’m not putting a label on you and other women, but I’ve placed most of these women into 3 category. Based on the women who’ve approached me. Category 1. She’s overweight. 2. She’s not very attractive/low self-esteem 3. She’s lonely. These are all the wrong reason, for getting involved with a woman.

May 16, 2011 at 7:15 pm
(4) Salty#1 says:

TO #3 surgicalgirl – Hi Sg. She didn’t say they had sex with each other. People can love each other without having sex. People can have sex without being sexually attracted to the other person. Some women marry men and have children with them but they are not sexually attracted to them. And some women are asexual.

I’ve read various reasons why women get with women. I’m laughing because I think some voted against same-sex marriage because they know that not only will more lesbians be leaving their husbands and getting with women, but more straight women will be getting with women. :) There is no wrong reason for consenting adults getting together as long as participants agree to it. Some people don’t like labels when the label is not “straight”. :)

Dang, being a lesbian has gotten even more complicated. :) I’m a lesbian and I want a woman to love me and to be sexually attracted to me and will share her whole self with me, including sex. Ideally, I want a woman who is only into women. Yes, I want it all – the whole package. I know, take a deep breath and try again. :)

May 16, 2011 at 9:59 pm
(5) surgicalgirl says:

Hi Salty,

I totally agree with you. Most people will vote against same sex marriages, because some fear their wives or husbands, might leave them for a women or man.

I personally, wouldn’t waste my time entertaining a straight women. I’m like you, I want to date anther lesbian. A women who’s sure of her sexuality and know exactly what she wants.

I don’t have time for games. I left the playground behind me, many years ago.

May 17, 2011 at 12:17 pm
(6) Salty says:

If I was younger, I would gladly help a women discover herself. But I can’t deal with that now. :) So a woman has to be sure of herself before I will even go on a date with her. If a woman told me she was straight I’d believe her. I personally don’t think a straight women can be sexually attracted to a woman so there would be no point in me trying.

May 17, 2011 at 3:42 pm
(7) Sparky says:

I’m a 22 year old “out and proud” bisexual woman. From a young age I liked other girls and boys but didn’t really worry about it. As I got older, hit puberty, etc. (around 11 years old) I still had these feelings which thanks to horomones got amplified like 50x! XD
But due to strict religious rules in my house I had to repress them and was left to fantasize about the people I had feelings for.
Freshman year of high school I was allowed to date any guy I wanted which I was happy about but I wasn’t allowed to date girls or openly express my attraction to them. Life went on, I dated and fell in love with wonderful guys. I dated and dumped, and cried over douchebag guys. I crushed on and secretly kissed girls. Fast forward to senior year of high school. I knew my sexual identity and was proud of it. I openly expressed it and made out with girls sometimes. Unfortunately, no girl I was interested in ever liked me more than that. Being a sweetheart didn’t get me anywhere then… :(
(I’m too old school romantic I guess. I write poems, songs, draw pictures, and get flowers for girls I like.)
Since then I’ve just been living my life and letting romance come to me be it from guys or girls. I’m now comfortable in my own skin and am dating another bisexual woman. So…
My advice to the ladies in the letters?
Don’t freak out.
Having new romantic, crushy, even sexual feelings for any gender can be a jarring, overwhelming thing. Take the first time you ever had a crush on someone as an example. Take a deep breath, realize that it’s okay to find the same sex or both sexes attractive (contrary to majority belief, it’s not dirty, gross, weird, etc.) and don’t worry about it. Go out with friends and make new ones. Go out on dates with guys and or girls, keep it fun and lighthearted so there’s no pressure on either side. Go with the flow and things seem to fall into place.
Yours til the Banana Splits,

May 17, 2011 at 5:11 pm
(8) surgicalgirl says:


I totally agree with you. A straight woman or man can’t be attracted to the same sex. Their only attracted to a homosexuals sexuality. It’s what we call curiosity. I wouldn’t encourage any gay man or woman, at any age to entertain, someone’s curiosity.

To entertain someone’s curiosity, is a demoralizing deed, at any age.

May 17, 2011 at 7:29 pm
(9) Jo says:

Sexuality is complicated. According to Lisa Diamond, in her book, ‘Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire’ , women can have the capacity for sexual fluidity.

Romantic love and sexual desire are governed by separate brain systems. She states that a woman who considers herself to be straight, could unexpectedly fall in love with another woman and then develop novel sexual desire for her.

This doesn’t mean all women have the capacity to be bisexual or that women don’t have a basic sexual orientation, just that some women are capable of being fluid in their sexual desires.

It’s a very interesting book and opened my eyes.

May 17, 2011 at 11:31 pm
(10) Salty says:

TO #8 surgicalgirl – Sg, I also think straight women are drawn to the romantic and sensual idea of being with a woman but is not actually sexually attracted to a woman. Should it be assumed that a woman who is with a man is bi or a lesbian because she flirts with a lesbian? And by flirting I mean making body contact by brushing against a woman’s backside or leaning into a woman from the front or back. I think some straight women want to flirt and be sensual but can’t do it with another man because that would be almost cheating and possibly the guy would take it seriously. Whereas with a woman, it would not be seen as cheating. I’ve even had some not single straight men flirt with me because they knew they didn’t have a chance so wouldn’t be taken seriously but they wanted to flirt with a woman. I don’t flirt with men. And I don’t flirt with women in relationships. And I don’t flirt with a woman I’m not romantically interested in – at least I try not too. :) Some people just take this sexuality thing too seriously and some don’t take it serious enough.

The more visible homosexuals become the more others will feel freer to accept and express their own sexuality, even heterosexuals.

May 18, 2011 at 10:54 am
(11) surgicalgirl says:

Hi Salty,

Your statement, ďI also think straight women are drawn to the romantic and sensual idea of being with a woman but is not actually sexually attracted to a woman. Should it be assumed that a woman who is with a man is bi or a lesbian because she flirts with a lesbian?Ē

I donít think straight women are romantically or sensually attracted to women. But I do think theyíre attracted to their notions of the heighten appreciation and respect; they assume a lesbians going to have for woman. From what I can see, straight women, think I have a higher understanding of them. Far greater than a man.

I agree with your statement, “I think some straight women want to flirt and be sensual but canít do it with another man because that would be almost cheating and possibly the guy would take it seriously. Whereas with a woman, it would not be seen as cheating.”

I think a lot of straight men and women, don’t think flirting and having sex with the same sex, is cheating. “BUT IT IS!” If youíre engaging in any type of relationship with someone other than your gf, bf, or spouse, you’re cheating. Even if you’re imagining it.

Your statement, “And I donít flirt with a woman Iím not romantically interested in Ė at least I try not too.” I think most people flirt of many different levels. I’m one of those kinds of people. I flirt, verbally, a lot. I don’t have a problem with telling someone, how I feel. But, I have to be careful, I don’t flirt with women or men (I don’t date men.), I know or who I suspect might be interested in me. When Iím not interested in them, on the same level.

Your statement, “Some people just take this sexuality thing too seriously and some donít take it serious enough.” That’s very true. I take my sexuality seriously enough, that I’m not going to allow myself to get involved with some, who’s not going to take me seriously.

May 19, 2011 at 12:15 pm
(12) relster says:

There was no single defining aha! Moment for me. Havee always flipflopped along tthe kinsey scale. I truly believe thatt for me I fall in love with the person not what’s dangling off their body. Sex is sex and anyone can do anything they want but love and enduring commitment have more to do with who you are, the work you’ve done on yourself and the person/people in your life. For some all it took was a kiss, for others its much greyer and undefined. The most difficult thing is learning to be true to yourself rather than conforming to someone elses definitions of how to be.

May 19, 2011 at 12:52 pm
(13) Hannah says:

i just kind of knew. I guess as girls do, there was all this talk about boyfriends, and I never cared for it, and did get why they did. The idea of dating a guy both creeped and freaked me out and the one time I did try dating I called it off as soon as the guy tried to kiss me. Then I had my first crush on a girl in my school, we dated and it just felt right. I’ve never had any questions about my sexuality since.

May 19, 2011 at 1:15 pm
(14) Skater00 says:

Every single person is different so I’m only going to put down the basics without telling my life story. I feel drawn to women. Sexual attraction is part of that but it was not the first thing that made me understand that I was gay. It was the happiness if felt when I was around women. I felt honesly and truely good both physically and emotionally. For the first time I felt an acceptance in myself that made me see the world in a different way.

In the beginning the only way I could do this was to push the “what will they think of me” thought and focus completly on what FELT good and right to me. After that I accepted myself for who I was and not care what other people thought. If they don’t like who I am because they can’t see past my sexual orientation then I am not going to hate myself because of it. This was not easy for me, and some times it is still not easy for me. But when I doubt myself I push away what people think and ask myself what i feel and, if I can, why I feel that way.

I strongly suggest you find a support person who you can talk too. I didn’t have one and it made my life harder then it needed to be. I understand how hard it is to trust a person with your feelings. Especially ones like these. I started by writting or drawing everything I felt until I found a person I could honestly trust. Express your feelings some how. I also excercised which, for me, let out my anger.

Everyone is different and accept themselfs using different methods. I hope mine can help.

May 19, 2011 at 1:22 pm

I am 42 years old and recently divorced from my husband of 19 years. I am now in a relationship with a woman, and I have never been so happy in my life. I have ALWAYS been attracted to women, I just never acted on it. There were times I thought it was a phase or because of some bad relationships.

I think you are a lesbian or you aren’t. I agree with the bi-curious statement….alot of women are “curious” about kissing or making out with a woman (especially when drinking). Women are sensual and romantic creatures by nature. We tend to put our heart and emotions “out there”…..and sometimes we get bites. Other women “feel our pain”, they can “empathize and sympathize” with us. They “listen” with both ears, eyes and heart. They “touch” to let you know they “hear you” and that they “are there for you”. All of this makes for the perfect “relationship”, but is it friendship or more. Think for a minute about your best girlfriend……….how she makes you feel. She probably does everything I described above. You might even think she is physically attractive……that doesn’t make you a lesbian. This is where you really have to know yourself.

I still find men physically attractive but I am not emotionally or sexually attracted to them. I was never as fulfilled and connected as I am now. Women meet every need, passion and desire that I have in me. Friend, confient, lover, and soulmate.

Just be careful that you don’t mistake someone elses “signals” for sexual attraction. They may have just connected with you on every level except sexually. And remember women flirt just as bad as men do…and sometimes we don’t even realize it. But go for it! if you find that someone that “cranks your tractor” and gives you those high school “butterflies in the pit of your stomach”…….go for it! If it isn’t right or meant to be….YOU WILL KNOW!

Good luck girls!

May 19, 2011 at 1:31 pm
(16) Tigerrr says:

I have enjoyed all comments! I am a Lesbian and it only took me 42 years to be able to say that! I am so glad that my partner did not run when I said that I had never been with a woman. I did not say I was “straight”, just that I had never been with a woman. I grew up in a very strict, judgemental home and it took me a long time to allow myself to be the person I am. I was married, have 2 grown children and NO! I am not Bisexual. I never knew that the love/connection/sex between two people could be so FANTASTIC!!!! I just wish that society would allow people to be who they are without judgement. Love is love…. go forth and love with full heart!

May 19, 2011 at 1:31 pm
(17) Hayley says:

It was pretty gradual for me. When I was younger, about 5 or 6, I would daydream about becoming a boy. I had it all planned out in my head that I’d suddenly stop going to school, get the surgery, and come back as my “long lost brother named Hased” and I’d tell everyone that Hayley had died in a car accident. I wished for this to happen until I was probably about 11 or 12. At that time, I realized that I didn’t have to be a boy to like girls.

I thought about it for quite some time. Then, I joined a Green Day fan site and they had a thread called “The Bi Club” for bisexuals and supporters. I posted my story on there. One of my friends saw it and called me out on it. I lied and said that I was kidding, but I continued to post. She was finally able to get me to admit that I was bi.

After I had become comfortable with labeling myself bi, I realized that I liked girls a lot better. Finally it got to the point where I only felt attracted to male celebrities. I told my closest friends, but I still didn’t consider myself a lesbian. I became more and more attracted to girls and less and less attracted to boys.

During my first debate tournament as a freshman in high school, my partner and I weren’t doing very well. Another member, who was a lesbian, tried to convince us to let her sit in on our last round so that she could give us some pointers. Hoping it would help convince us, she said, “Lesbians are lucky!” And that’s when I shouted, to my whole debate team, “But I am a lesbian!” Ever since that moment, I’ve been open and proud about my sexuality. It sounds cliche, but I finally came to terms with myself and I was so relieved.

May 19, 2011 at 3:04 pm
(18) mia_in_chains says:

I have sort of known since I was a pre-teen, that I was different from others and though, I lived (and still live) in a very closed minded city, I never felt guilty or unhappy with this aspect of me.

Although I was aware of that difference, I didn’t know, exactly what was that made me different, so it was only when I kissed accidentally my best friend at the time in the lips and felt attracted to her, that I became more conscious of it.

Anyway, once I was a teenager, I decided to sort out if I was lesbian or bisexual, discovery that I made, by actually going out with boys and seeing if I felt anything, and not having felt aroused or attracted, I easily figured it out.

So, I think that to really find out what you are after all, you need to experiment with both sexes to figure out your sexual orientation.

May 19, 2011 at 3:23 pm
(19) peaches says:

When I was a little girl I prayed at night for God to change me into a boy. I fell in love with a girl at age 11. I thought I was a lesbian but now that I’ve read more about transgendered I think that’s what I am.

May 19, 2011 at 5:05 pm
(20) Smcc says:

I think Skater00 said it best and would totally describe my experience… I knew growing up that I always loved hanging out with the girls, they made me laugh, love, and feel. And I would always say to myself that I needed to find a guy who makes me feel the same as I felt about hanging out with my best girl friend…

I grew up in a pretty strict home and was so closed, unaware and basically sleep walking through life. It wasn’t until after I realized my 14 year marriage to my husband was just not working (I’m not sure it ever did, but leaving a relationship of any length is incredibly hard.), and being on my own for over year that I was able to find myself. I knew I had always loved hanging out with women, but it never equated to anything more, until I met someone…. and what I felt for her totally turned me inside out. Yet I was so torn about labels, and everyone wanting to label me as a lesbian, gay whatever. All I knew was that I was in love with this woman and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and so I did.

It wasn’t an easy road, yet if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. The keys to getting through it were having an incredible support system, having amazing friends who listened to me, helped me… and I also had a coach and a therapist too… who had experience in helping others come out… Plus I read every book out there about being gay, coming out, etc., and I started to meditate. This was huge, just being able to quiet my mind and tune into me, what I wanted, what made me happy… and being able to trust myself too. And building up a good coat of armor not to care what anyone thought about me leaving my marriage and now I’m with a woman.

It’s been 11 years since I came out and my partner and I just celebrated our 10 yr anniversary and I couldn’t imagine my life being any different. Being happy, living in my truth and embracing it, that’s the key, with her I feel like I’m home.

May 19, 2011 at 5:50 pm
(21) Jennifer says:

I have always been more attracted to women but as a child and young adult, I just told myself that it was normal but I wasnt gay. As I got a little older and became sexually active, I found that everything about being with a man repulsed me. That made me think that I was maybe gay but still was not sure. I finally decided that I was a lesbian when I had my first encounter with another female. The emotional and physical feelings that I felt were like nothing I had ever felt with a man. Love, tenderness, relaxation, intimacy. It was wonderful and that is when I no longer had any doubt left in my mind that I was a lesbian.

May 19, 2011 at 9:13 pm
(22) Jenna says:

when I was reading both of these notes I actuly could related to both of them… I am a lesbian but I didnt come out until my late twenty’s. I actuly never even considered what I was until then. I grew up considering myself a hedro woman I am and was atracted to men..but when I really gave myself permission to think about it I was really always drawn to wemon. The thing is I never even thought about who I was attracted to until I was an adult, well late twenties. I think sometimes we grow up only recognizing one way and when we realize that there is another way or something other then what we grew up with then we can truly see and accept our true self.

May 19, 2011 at 10:40 pm
(23) Suze says:

Smcc-you took the words out of my mouth. ‘Being happy, living in my truth and embracing it, thatís the key, with her I feel like Iím home.’ I was 42 when I finally allowed myself to be who I was born to be. I realized life was too short to continue living a lie just to please other people. I came out full force, no holding back. My gf and I have been together for 4 years. My only ‘regret’ is that we didn’t get together earlier. Being a Lesbian is more than sexual attraction. It means I want and need to be with another woman in a physical, emotional and spiritual relationship. I have no desire to be with a man in any type of relationship. I have been and it makes me uncomfortable and unhappy. In the perfect world we would all love whoever fulfills us and makes us whole without anyone thinking twice about it.

May 20, 2011 at 2:28 am
(24) Bee says:

If I wasn’t raised in communities filled with artists, hipsters and gays, my “coming out” process would have been much more difficult. I was simply open to the idea of being into girls–but my sexuality was never very visceral, I rarely felt strong physical attractions to ANYONE, be it a guy or a girl. It’s not that I’m asexual, it’s just that I think I’ve always trained my mind to block it out, deeming physical desires unnecessary and distracting. It takes the right moment and actual physical touches for me to be aware or any physical attraction to someone.

Romantic interests came with strong mental and emotional attraction to people, which then leads to my physical attraction. I like to think that this keeps me from falling for people for the wrong reasons, but just ’cause I don’t base it on looks or obvious physical desire does not mean I don’t end up with the wrong people.

I was interested in an androgynous girl–I find androgyny very attractive– and decided to go for it. I ended up falling in love with her, and I’ve since not admitted to falling in love with anyone else, as that relationship turned out to be abusive and not an ideal first love. I’ve been very strongly attracted to guys and girls since. As a young woman, I can see myself with a woman and with a man, as long as it is the right person.

May 20, 2011 at 3:19 am
(25) uncover girl says:

I don’t believe straight women would be attracted to women. Attraction and admiration are two different things. If a person gets attracted to another person of the same sex, somehow the feeling of sexuality arise. I always thought I’m a straight woman. I got married at a very young age and had 3 kids all grown up. My marriage collapsed when I was in my late 20′s. I knew from the start it will not work because we were very young. After separation, I got involved in many relationships- all men.
It was very recent when I stumbled upon a “butch” schoolmate in high school. When she saw my picture on facebook, she gets attracted to me instantly. She didn’t waste time to get me. I laughed at first but soon, I found myself inlove with her. I denied the feeling at first and even prayed hard to get me out of it. But everyday gets harder to me. I can’t resist the feeling and so we found each other together. Am I straight? I thought so too, not until I remember i got attracted to female schoolmate when I was in grade school but ignored the feeling and just considered it ” identity crisis” When I started working , male officemates took me to a bar and I got attracted to one of the bar girl but did not do anything to her. I have lots of male suitors for I’ myself doesn’t look bad at all.
Now at 40′s, my butch partner and I live together and so much inlove . We never seem to get enough of each other. The feeling I shared with my ex-husband and ex bf’s are the same with my butch partner. Sex and love the same.
Now ask me if I’m straight? NO. I realized now I’m a lesbian. It’s just that my being lesbian was kept for so many reasons. 1. religious belief 2. culture 3. family.

May 20, 2011 at 3:23 am
(26) uncover girl says:


No straght man or woman would be attracted with the same sex. It’s just a matter of time before you know who you really are. And since I know that having sex with the same sex are prohibited in the bible, we try to lessen our sexual activities until such time we finally overcome. It’s not actually being homosexual that make a person look bad, it’s the activity . Sex w/ same sex in particular that God hates. I know I may sound absurd, but that is a fact in the bible. Man and man or woman and woman can live together in harmony of friendship as long as no sex strings attached. Who cares about people? Only God knows..
So if you’re confused with your sexuality. think about your past . Of who you are then.

May 20, 2011 at 7:24 am
(27) jezza says:

I knew from a very early age but it like alot of people didnt think anything of it, until i hit like 11 or 12. then it scared the hell out of me. i suppressed my feelings and dated guy after guy (in my mind if i had a bf nobody would find out my true feelings) i then was with a guy for like 2 years, i always fantasized about women though when we together, ya know. but it wasnt until i fell for my best friend and we were really close, i didnt wanna spend anytime apart from her, even though we were never sexual with each other we were more intimate than just straight girlfriends are. so i re-assessed my life and ended it with my boyfriend. even though it was hard and i really didnt want to hurt him i had to i was ready to be myself. now i am in a civil partnership with my wife. who is amazing and i couldnt be happier.

and if it werent for my best friend i wouldnt have ever done it i dont think, so even though nothing ever happened between us she helped me a lot.

coming out was the best decision i ever made. :)

May 20, 2011 at 8:21 am
(28) no matter says:

There is one saying: One clever woman is Good, Two are Better!

listen,how we choose our friends-if we feel good with someone,if we have common interests,if its intresting with them and so on…like that we choose our friends,most of the times we havent give attention whether its girl or boy. I think also like this way we must choose our sweetheart,first pay attention if u feel comfotable in someones aura,if u have suitable souls,if that person have all things u can fall in love with her\ his, then start think about their sex if there is any difference 4 u..

May 20, 2011 at 11:40 am
(29) Odette says:

Being F-to-M transgendered AND lesbian-identified, it was very complicated for me, and has taken me thirty or so years to arrive at where I am. As a teenage male growing up, I knew I was attracted, both sexually and emotionally, to women, but somehow could not relate the male role to myself. It was only when I came across a lesbian-themed first-person short story that something struck home, both emotionally and physically, with me. I spent days in a kind of dazed, happy state: I somehow KNEW that this was ‘me’; although I denied it to myself and the world for years, because although I knew there was such a thing as transexuality, I didn’t realise it was possible to be bio-male and lesbian-identified – so I kept quiet about it, thinking myself to be deluded – and suffered for years. It was only when comedian Eddie Izzard referred to himself as a ‘male lesbian’ that I started doing research, and realised that I’d been right all along. TV shows like ‘The L Word’ and websites such as Clare Rampling’s Girlf**s/Guydykes one have done a hell of a lot for me. Now I intend to transition and make up for lost time!

May 21, 2011 at 3:26 am
(30) notsosimplylesbian says:

Alright, so I have felt “different” since I can remember. I could never place exactly what that was that was making me different, though. I was about 9 or 10 when I forst started to discover my sexual side and to think about relationships, or even just friends at all, as being something more that someone I went to school with and played basketball with on the playground. I didn’t realize it then, but now I know that I was attracted to girls. I often wished to be boy so I could do “boy” things with the girls I was attracted to.
As I got older and I started to gain a better understanding for myself and those around me. I started to see girls as something I could dream about touching, and someone I could sit and talk to and someone I could spend my life with. When I was 13 I had a best friend, Ashley, who was dating Nick. Nick and Ashley had been dating for quite some time. Being the innocent and sheltered child I was, I thought that was really weird to be so serious with someone so young. I wittnessed their first “make-out” session and I felt jealousy for the first time ever. I thought that the jealousy I was feeling was because Ashley had a boyfriend and I didn’t. Now, I realize that no, that jealousy was more than my not having a boyfriend, but that I was seriously attracted to her.
Not long after that long summer of being the third wheel to the girl I was in love with, I had my first serious boyfriend. We didn’t get far in our relationship as it just felt awkward for me. We shared a forst kiss though. That kiss was the single most uncomfortable thing I have ever experienced.

May 21, 2011 at 3:28 am
(31) notsosimplylesbian says:

I mostly wasn’t interested in dating after that for quite some time. I didn’t really have any major crushes. (Dating/being with a girl never crossed my mind, because I was raised in a fairly conservative home with a fairly strong religous emphasis.)
I started high school and soon became best friends with a lesbian girl who was a couple years older than me. For the first time ever in my life, I felt as if I belonged in something, and like someone might sort of understand me, even when I didn’t. Soon, I realized I was crushing on this girl A LOT. I would not even let myself think about it, though. She went to her senior prom with another of our good friends, I prayed that they would hook up and she wouldn’t be a lesbian anymore, so that my feelings for her wouldn’t matter and I could get rid of them.
We were both on the same softball team, and spent a ton of time together with that, and my feelings for her grew and grew. We were also in marching band, we went to Disneyland during spring break with our band. We started to flirt a lot, and I just brushed it off when people would call us out on it, and say we were just friends. I was sleeping a mere 3 feet away from her one night, when I had this crazy dream of the two of us going down on each other. I kept this hidden from her, and everyone else, including myself.
Not long after we returned form our trip, I started dating this boy. At forst I thought I really liked him, I knew I wasn’t sexually attracted to him, but at 15 years old, that didn’t matter much. I dated him for maybe 4 weeks.
I broke up with him and confessed my feelings to her. She confessed that she’d been having the same feelings for me, also. We litterally started dating that day. I was already in love with her.

May 21, 2011 at 3:29 am
(32) notsosimplylesbian says:

Our realationship was a lot of stress, but totally worth it. I had to completely hide it from my parents, who suspected something was going on, and from everyone at school, and esspecially our softball team.
Our first kiss was the AHA! moment for me. I knew right then that that is how it was meant to be. I still felt like I was betraying everything I had ever been taught, but I knew that is what I had been missing, and I felt like a whole individual for the first time ever in my life.
I was so relieved once I finally knew.
Just a little over a year since we started dating, and I know for sure now. It took SOOO much deep thinking. At first I just thought I was “bi-curious”. But after having relationships with other girls and having sexual encounters with other girls, I know that I could not even imagine being with a male, ever again.

Coming out to my parents, and family, and friends is a whole other story. That was hard! But so worth it!!! Even though I am still mostly closeted to people at school, and work, and people who are not really close to me.

I really think it is important to have someone to talk to about what you’re experiencing. It is very hard to deny it for so long and not talk about it at all, trust me, I know. I dealt with all of it on my own, I think that it would have been 500000000X easier had I talked about it with someone.
I hope this helps those of you who are struggling with your sexual desires/feelings. Good luck, and remember, it does get easier and better!!

notsosimplylesbian :)

May 22, 2011 at 2:20 pm
(33) SASUWI says:


May 23, 2011 at 11:50 am
(34) once confused says:

I went through these same thoughts when I first started dating women at the age of 21. I have to say that I now find peace in the idea that I am whetever label I choose to be. Most people will find the same sex attractive at some time in their life. Some will just have thoughts and others will have actions. I know women who have committed relationships with other women and continue to label themselves bisexual. I remember feeling confused at 21 and grasping for memories that may have been lesbian related. The truth is a person is allowed to change their mind. Our sexual identity can be fluid. I am not saying that we should sleep around. I am saying that you can have serious relationships with men and then have serious relationships with women.

May 23, 2011 at 11:17 pm
(35) Salty says:

TO #34 once confused – Being in a committed relationship doesn’t tell a woman’s sexuality or else the lesbians who have been married to men would be bisexual instead of lesbians. Maybe women who have been in relationships with women say they are bisexual because they they are also into men.

Of course a woman can label herself whatever she wants to but I want to know the real sexuality of a woman I’m interested in and hope she will be truthful. I don’t get romantically involved with straight women. If a woman is already involved with someone then it doesn’t matter what her sexuality because I don’t get involved with women in a relationship with someone else.

May 24, 2011 at 9:35 am
(36) Lerato says:

Hi I’m Lerato i’m lesbian ever since i started to read your news letter, i have learnt a lot of thing on how to ask a girl out and how to get it on on your first day.

I would like to say thank you for opening my eyes and your lovely newsletters you post to me. Keep up the good work.


May 26, 2011 at 12:41 am
(37) Kynthia Rosgeal says:

I spent my life being a hetero male or at least I thought I was. Bang,along comes being a transwoman and It turns out my whole life I was lesbian after all.

Nothing gets me madder than straight males making crude jokes “Oh Im a lesbian too” I tell them you have to be female to be a lesbian, but that given enough pills and a simple surgical proceedure they could easily claim being a lesbian. They dont find THAT nearly as funny as themselves.

Once I and my psychiatrist figured out WHAT I was, the rest became magical. The Lesbian community is so tightly woven sometimes. Its amazing, sisters seeking me out, being able to talk to me freely.I wish I had known I was female earlier in life, but being female and being lesbian has made up for it by quite a bit.

May 27, 2011 at 10:12 am
(38) Jen says:

When anyone asks me the questions, “when did you know?” I am always quick to respond, “The same day you knew you were straight”. I wish for a day where everyone feels as comfortable to just be themselves and we don’t have to defend our sexuality as GLTB individuals just as straights don’t have to defend theirs.

My advice for the people who question their sexuality is simply this: Somewhere, at sometime, someone else modified how you thought about your sexuality and if you take all the negative thoughts you have and others have away about being gay/lesbian/bi and honestly ask yourself if you are who you were meant to be, then you will be able to find your answer. The time you have on this world is short, don’t fight being who you are because someone else doesn’t approve.

May 27, 2011 at 11:02 pm
(39) Salty says:

TO #26 uncover girl – you said “Itís not actually being homosexual that make a person look bad, itís the activity”. Look bad to who? God suppossibly sees and knows everything – so just because you don’t have sex with your girlfriend or put it off as long as you can – that will fool who? People who know you are with a woman will assume that you are having sex together even if you are not. Just because something is written in the Bible and applied to God does not mean it is true. Do you really think God spoke to just certain people and relied on them to tell others what He wanted them to know?

King James/ Jeremiah 31:33 But this shall be the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel; After those days, saith the LORD, I will put my law in their inward parts, and write it in their hearts; and will be their God, and they shall be my people. 34And they shall teach no more every man his neighbour, and every man his brother, saying, Know the LORD: for they shall all know me, from the least of them unto the greatest of them, saith the LORD: for I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.

That means that each individual is in contact with God who wants to be and know in the heart right from wrong. God doesn’t need a go-between for people to know Him and what He requires of each person who believes in Him. Books can be altered and people don’t always relate things accurately. So according to the Bible, which some like to use to denounce homosexuality, each person should know God and not go by what others tell them is the right way to live. God is either the creator of all life or He is not. If He is, then He made homosexuals the same as he made heterosexuals. Why then would He be against people for being who they are sexually? Why would the God of Love be against love?

May 31, 2011 at 2:08 pm
(40) MegaSoftball says:

to Elena: I think you need to be very careful right now. I think it’s great that you found someone that you want to be with forever and thats not something to take lightly. But I think a lot of straight girls confused “love for a woman” with having a “full time best friend” You should evaluate your relationship and make sure that you actually truly love each other (her as well) before you jump into marriage. It’s fun to have a best friend with you all the time and to be able to hang out..but when the beginning of the relationship “best friend” part wears off and the love/respect part kicks in and you realize that friendship is all you have..then you will have a really big problem on your hands. Just a little advice! If you truly do love her and want to be with her forever then great! Good luck

June 4, 2011 at 9:00 am
(41) amber says:

Hi, i would really love some advice. Im nearly 28 and have 3 beautiful kids. Have not gone out on a date or experienced othetother women. Im desperate to know if im a lesbian as i only see myself with women. Im desperate for anything and will leave my spare mobile number for people who. Arw willimg to tect only please. Someone please help. Kind regards amber.

June 9, 2011 at 11:33 am
(42) Megasoftball says:

Hey Amber..I am willing to help you in anyway that I can but it seems to be like you need more than just someone to talk to who is gay to find out if you are a lesbian or not…really evaluating how you feel about women before trying to put any labels on anything is a good idea especially if you have never even dated another woman. Im here to chat anytime!

March 29, 2012 at 1:54 pm
(43) waliking the line says:

I am in my early 30s with 3 kids and a husband I love. I have hit a point in my life where I know myself and feel comfortable in my own skin, but not sure how to be me. I grew up in a small very catholic town and family. Growing up I was attracted to girls and guys but mostly girls. Growing up I didn’t date at all really I just didn’t feel comfortable. I had a couple bfs for litterally a couple hours but it felt so wrong I would end it. In college I met my husband and after hanging out for a yr we started to date. Up until this past year I never mentioned to anyone that I was attracted to women, but I told my husband and he wasn’t surprised or upset. In fact we are closer and we actually talk about people we are attracted to (odd but we are attracted to similar people). He told me it was fine with him if I dated other women and actually is by biggest supporter. I am not sure where to go from here. I know people will not approve of this but if it is ok with us and I am completely honest with who ever I meet. I don’t know just don’t really have anyone to talk to about this

August 26, 2012 at 10:25 am
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