I didn’t become sexually active until later in my high school years, and ended up marrying the love of my life. Tall, sexy as hell, charming and an incredible lover. I thought we’d be together forever. Not so. I fell into the trap of being unable to balance motherhood and being sexual. He looked elsewhere. To say I was repressed, well, I could write chapters on that subject alone! It was imperative that the world knew, I was a good-girl. I didn’t cheat, wasn’t promiscuous, and looking back, was very boring in our bedroom. However, I clung to my self-given title of “Good-Girl”.
Life is Hard with Two Small Children
Now, alone with two small children, life was very hard. Raising two little ones by myself was emotionally draining. I longed to be married again, and to have a second chance at love. It would be five long years before I even dated. My life was so very predictable. I went to work, came home cooked dinner, spent time with my children, and went to church. That was where I was introduced to husband number two. A very “Nice” man. Hard worker, a man of integrity and character and my family LOVED him. He’d never had children, but loved mine. We planned a beautiful wedding, did everything “Right." We never had sex before marriage, went to pre-marriage counseling, we were headed down the “Right” road.The wedding was beautiful, pictures were taken, everyone cried, they were all so happy for us. We were the perfect couple. Then came the honeymoon. I can only say I fantasized about how incredible it would be, how romantic, how perfect it would be. That night marked the first of many nights of crying myself to sleep. In my entire life, I had never been so disappointed or felt so rejected. It was the most un-natural thing, having sex with him. For years I questioned, what was wrong with me? Am I over-sexed?
The Problem Wasn't Me!
After six long years of marriage, I wanted out. We went to therapy and found out the problem wasn’t me! He just had no desire for a sexual relationship, but only wanted friendship, or the security of marriage and family. I however, wanted more. I wanted the friendship, the intimacy and passion. We attempted to make it work for our families and our children. This only served to make me feel more repressed, and more lonely. I continued to give 100% to my family, and get very little in return. The closer I approached 40, the more I desired to KNOW what real happiness was.So at the ripe old age of 39, I decided I had enough. I would rather be alone and financially strapped, then to be in a loveless marriage. I wanted more than anything, to KNOW what it was like to be the apple of someone’s eye. To have someone WANT to be with me. To enjoy traveling, to have that sense of compatibility, and to be loved, the way I needed and wanted. My three children took it hard. I knew I would be the bad guy and be blamed for everything. I remember my teenage daughter crying and asking me, could I just “Fake it”. I replied, "I have been faking it, for the entire marriage."
Children have such a hard time understanding that their parents are NOT just parents, but sexual beings as well. Why would their mother want more? What else is there? We have a home, a nice life, dad is a great guy, what’s wrong with you, you're so selfish. I went through it all. I remember telling my parents and them asking me, “Is there someone else?” My reply was simple. “No, but I long for the possibility of someone else.” So, once again, the “Good-Girl” was alone. Not for long.
I Was Finally Going Out and Having Fun
After years of repressed thinking and dreaming of emotional and physical freedom, I was going out. In my entire life I had never had a one night stand, been to a bar, been to a casino, and had a girl’s night out. I hadn’t done or been anywhere. This was all very new to me. I thought I knew the rules, only now, I was finding there really weren’t rules anymore. I found it was okay to date around. My first time out of the gate, wow! I met a wonderful man, my age, same background, charming, and sexy as hell. After talking with him for seven hours, I ended up in his room. It was the first time since I was 17 that I felt desirable and sexy. It was the first time EVER that I had experienced passion filled sex. I felt no shame, or guilt. I needed that night. To this day, we are friends. I am forever grateful for that night. It gave me the confidence I needed, and I realized at that moment, I WASN’T the problem in my marriage. All those doubts were gone. I’m normal. There really ARE other people who have the same needs as me. I eventually dated a few nice men, and was enjoying the attention and of course the sex. I thought eventually I’d find the right man, and would settle into a nice relationship. This is where my story takes a SUDDEN turn.I had an old friend from high school find me on Classmates.Com. We reconnected and she told me she had a MYSPACE account. She also told me other friends from school were on her site. So one day, while looking at her site, and going to another friends’ page, I noticed HER. I can tell you honestly, I didn’t look at her in a sexual way, but rather, it was her eyes. They drew me to her. That and her smile. It was so inviting and honest. I decided to click on her site and see who she was. Turns out she worked with my friend in law enforcement. I noticed she had blogs. I’m not a blogger. I do however love reading peoples thoughts, so I decided to read. That was it. I then became a “Lurker”. I would find myself going to her site every few weeks to read her latest blogs. How insightful, and she was so open and honest.
