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Rose's Coming Out Story - More than Friends - My First Time

Friendship to Girlfriends

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submitted by Rose, Washington State

I am seventeen years old. I met my best friend Cindy online four years ago this year (2009). I was twelve, almost thirteen when I met her. I was introduced to her through one of our Danish friends, who added me into their conversation on IM. From then on, Cindy and I began to type every day, and I enjoyed talking with her because of our great love of music. We had so much in common! Soon, she became my Best Friend, not just a person I talked to online. I could tell her everything, and still can today.

For the past few years, I've had a boyfriend, who I lost my virginity to. I loved him so much, but he graduated and needed to move on. After a while, I felt as though all he wanted me for was sex, and I didn't want to be that kind of girl. I broke up with him, for the last time, and haven't talked to him since - I am extremely happy that I am rid of him, because he didn't make me happy...not the way that Cindy did.

Cindy had always seemed upset whenever I would mention Martin in any sense, and I figured that it was because he had 'taken me' away from her. We had broken up and gotten back together quite a few times, and I had previously told Cindy that I thought we should get back together again. A few days later, I was confused as to why Cindy was showing a cold shoulder to me, so I decided to ask our very good internet friend, Victor, what he thought. I was being my usual oblivious self, and asked him repeatedly, "Why is she mad at me? I haven't done anything!" He got so frustrated at me, that he suddenly exclaimed, "Maybe it's because Cindy has a crush on you, and has for years!"

This made me laugh. I went to Cindy's page and typed to her, "Haha, Victor thinks you have a crush on me!" Silence. Then, her reply: "I told him not to tell you my secrets." She was very upset with him. This shocked me. At first, I felt disgusted, as if taught instinct came in, saying 'a girl likes you! Weird!' I talked to Cindy about it, and she told me that she has liked me ever since our first meeting, about a year after we met in person. I was greatly confused. What should I do? I...don't know if I feel the same way! How would I go about this? Will this destroy our relationship?

What Now? My Best Friend Has a Crush on Me!

I decided to, once again, consult Victor for advice. He then began to talk to me, about the possibility of me liking her. He said, 'think of it this way, why do you two have such a special bond? What creates this bond? What keeps you coming back to her, time after time? Why do you feel so guilty if you do something wrong? Why do you love being around her so much, when you just get tired of other people around you?"

It made sense: everything in my life led to Cindy. I began to play with the idea of liking girls...or, rather, of me finally realizing my true feelings for girls. It took me a few weeks of hard thinking, but I began to open up to the thought, that I was bi-sexual. This explains why being with Martin always felt slightly wrong, or why I was so upset that one of my close girl-friends was angry with me, or why I loved experimental girl kissing of earlier years so much. I had always assumed that it was 'bad' to like girls, because my father is so homophobic, and I just assumed that I should like boys like my mom and sister do. So I liked boys...but there was just something about girls - something about Cindy - that made me feel so...amazing. Something I had never felt with Martin.

It Hit me! I like Girls!

It hit me. I like girls...yes...I like girls! I like them...a LOT...it explains everything. After the weeks of recognition, happiness began to flow back into my life again, after years of depression. It was - is - like a breath of fresh air. I felt like I could fly! THIS is what I have been looking for, this part of me that has been missing, or pushed away in the corner of my mind, without my even realizing it! This explains why I was such a tomboy when I was younger, why I never really liked girly things, why relationships with men would always go wrong, why I always have craved something more...

After thinking longer, I asked Cindy to be my girlfriend, and she said yes. We have been together for five months now - not long, I'll admit - but I really think that I could - will - have a future with her. I feel so comfortable, like I could hold her forever.
Keep reading: Cindy Comes to Visit

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