Dear Lesbian Life:
I'm Anna, a 28-year-old lesbian from Toronto, Canada and I have a question for you concerning lesbian relationships. I'd like to know why they don't last very long? I know that you've been with your partner for 15 years and I think that's AWESOME!! But in the lesbian community, relationships seem to be filled with drama, cheating girlfriends, sleeping with exes, flirting with other women's girlfriends etc.
Since straight women usually want stable, monogamous relationships with men, I thought that lesbian women would want the same thing with other women. I was under the impression that gay men were the unstable ones and lesbians were into long-term commitment but as strange as it sounds, I'm now seeing more gay men in long-term relationships than lesbians.
Can lesbian relationships really last or am I wasting my time?
First of all, you’re writing to someone who is in a 15-year relationship. As you can see, from my point of view, lesbian relationships DO last a long time. Most of my friends are also in long-term relationships, gay and straight.
Your assumption that most lesbians want long-term relationships may or may not be true. I don’t judge people based on how long their relationships last. Some people don’t want to settle down. They want to date, have fun, create drama and fool around. Is there anything inherently wrong with that?
And likewise, I don’t judge a relationship a success just because it has lasted a long time. I think the real indicators of success are things like amount of respect, passion, the fun a couple has together and if they’re able to grow as individuals and as a pair.
It seems to me what you’re really asking is not why can’t lesbians form long-term relationships, but “Why can’t I find a long-term relationship?” It’s not a universal problem, but a personal one.
Instead of looking outside or yourself and what other lesbians are doing, I suggest you look within. Are you not having long-term relationship success because you’re doing something wrong? Or is it simply that you haven’t found the right woman yet? I believe lesbians are just as capable as having long-term relationships as straight women, or gay men. And there are those who are incapable. You challenge is not just to find someone who wants a long-term relationship, but who wants one with YOU.
How does it happen? First you have to be open to it. You have to believe it is possible. But the rest I can only chalk up to luck, destiny, karma or whatever you want to call it. I truly believe that if you focus making yourself a better person, people will be attracted to that and want to be with you.
Act with integrity and you’ll find people with integrity is who you’ll attract. Support your friends and supportive people will be attracted to you. Go out of your way to help people and when you need help, it will appear. It’s really not that complicated to understand, but it can be hard to carry out. Our egos, tempers, bad habits and baggage from childhood all get in the way.
If you’re in a relationship and you want it to last, take a look at my tips for long-term lesbian relationship success.