Let Anticipation BuildRushing it is the single most common mistake (meaning erotic-energy reducer) lovers make. Flirt until she’s moving closer to you. Stay close until she’s aching for you to kiss her (if you’re not sure, ask: “I’d like very much to kiss you right now, may I?”). Kiss her softly until you feel the urgency to build to kiss deeper. You get the idea.
Vary TechniquesAvoid the mindset where you can’t “go back” to something you’ve done earlier. Soft kisses complement deep, hard kisses. A particularly fabulous hand job may inspire you to kiss all her fingers in appreciation. Punctuate mouth kisses with kissing/sucking her neck, inside the bend of her elbow, behind the knees, armpit and so on.
Surprise HerKeep her on her toes by varying the types of kisses you deliver. For example, most people expect a peck when parting company in public. Every so often, plant a big, wet sloppy one on her at the bus stop. Likewise, remember to occasionally press her up against the wall, tangle your fist tightly in her hair, growl, “You look good enough to eat” in her ear, then kiss her softly and dash off to work.
Remember Make-Out Sessions?They’re still hot! So take your date, friend or wife to the drive-in and make out through the whole movie. Invite friends over to play spin the bottle. Hey, we’re big kids now--we can do whatever we want!
Try Sensory DeprivationWhile kissing, try sliding your hands up over her ears so your palms form a seal to block out sound. With eyes closed, this added sensory deprivation serves to heighten the tactile sense and focus her attention so that your mouth becomes her whole world.
Use Mouth ToysTry kissing and passing objects between you. Grapes and cherries work particularly well. I ca can certainly add a thrilling sensation while kissing(not to mention the places that might enjoy the caress of an icy tongue). Wine or sparking water can be passed from one mouth to another, introducing the sensation of “drinking her in.” Gravity can help with that last maneuver --position yourself slightly higher and let the wine spill from your mouth to hers.
Talk SexyOf course I am not suggesting interspersing kisses with excerpts from a lecture on federally supported municipal bonds. But sweet compliments whispered into her mouth are very likely to be welcome. It’s flattering to be observed in detail, so describe to her (in your sexiest voice) the smell of her hair, what you thought when you first saw her that night, how hot you are for her, how you’ve been watching her for an hour, what you hope to be doing to her later.
Weave Kissing Throughout SexMake kissing a staple of lovemaking, not just a warm-up act. Kissing is appropriate anytime. After oral sex, it’s a fabulous taste treat. There’s a powerful intimacy involved in joining mouths and breath. Try keeping your mouths together and breathing as you get close to orgasm. Don’t try to navigate tongues; just let your open mouths touch so that you’re hot, panting and your mutters of “yes…yes…” go right into each other’s mouths.
Observe HerWe tend to give what we want to get, so pay attention to her style and technique. Does she push her tongue deep into your throat? Does she nibble you lips? Does she kiss with her lips for a long time before using her tongue? How much pressure does she use pressing her mouth to yours?
CommunicateThis is, of course, as with any sexual activity, the most important skill. There’s such a huge variety of desires that it is impossible to “just know” everything she likes and doesn’t like. There also needs to be room to discover new desires. Try setting aside time for kissing play that isn’t in the heat of passion (but could lead to that). Use that time to educate and explore. Kiss for a while, then talk playfully, but in detail, about what you like and what you would change. Take time to tell stories that reveal erotic patterns (e.g., your first lover kissed you in the woods at summer camp, so the smell of pine is a turn-on for you). The more you practice (as with any skill), the more comfortable it will get. The more you get to know each other in this type of setting, the more knowledge you’ll have when you’re in the sweet thick of it.
- Don’t assume she likes what you like. Ask. Experiment.
- Don’t ask sweeping questions such as, “What do you like?” If talking in detail is difficult for someone (which is true for most of us), this is too overwhelming a question. Instead, ask for the responses to specific actions. (“Do you like it when I suck on your lower lip?” “I’ll start soft and get harder; tell me when it’s too hard.” “Do you want me to push my tongue farther into your mouth when you are more turned on?”)
- Don’t kiss with cold sores. Keep the gift that keeps on giving to yourself, gals! Those unfortunate irritating outbreaks can challenge us to be erotically creative! Go thing we can’t get them on our hand, eh?
- Don’t rush into using your tongue. Kissing with just lips with a soft open mouth is a delicious sensation and a strong anticipation builder. Be a tease.
Originally published in On Our Backs Guide to Lesbian Sex, 2004