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I'm Newly Out and Haven't Had an Orgasm

Is Something Wrong with Me?


Dear Kathy:

My partner is much older than I am, but we are definitely in love. We have been sexually active....all the time....whenever we are together. Every time we are, she has an orgasm. This is my first time ever having sex and I have not experienced one yet. Is there something wrong? Am I supposed to know how to have one before I can? Also, I was wondering if you have any advice on any more techniques? I have read all the sites about and related to lesbian sex. I have been to the bookstore and spent countless hours in the Sex section looking up new ways. Anything else you might recommend? Thank you so much.
Blacksburg, VA

Dear JB:

It is not unusual to not have an orgasm when you are first having sex. It takes time to get to know your body and what turns you on and how to have an orgasm. I suggest you take some time with yourself and masturbate. See if you can bring yourself to an orgasm when you are alone without your partner. You can think of something that turns you on, look at some sexy pictures, read erotica or watch some porn to get you in the mood.

Some women have a harder time reaching orgasm than others. Since you do not describe what sexual activities you are engaged in, it is hard to know what ones to suggest. I hope this is something that you and your partner can discuss openly. Maybe she is just not spending enough time trying to please you. Does she give up too quickly?

Some women who have a hard time coming find that using a vibrator is one sure way they can reach orgasm. You might try investing in a vibrator and try using it on yourself to see if you can pleasure yourself that way.

Also, if there is too much pressure to come, that could be hindering your ability. There could be something physically preventing you from reaching orgasm, but I wouldn’t jump to that conclusion yet.

As far as resources, the best book I can recommend is The Whole Lesbian Sex Book by Felice Newman.

  • Here is more information about lesbian orgasm problems.
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