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14 and in Love with an 18 Year Old

Bisexual Teen with a Mom who doesn't Understand

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I am a 14-year-old girl and I am bisexual. I have a girlfriend who is 18. I am sure I truly do love her and we have been together for five months. We are so happy together.

Recently my mom has discovered my sexuality and basically she is totally against me having a relationship with a girl. She has told me many times that she wants me to break up with my partner but honestly I do not want to because I really do love her. Whenever I see my girlfriend, I have to lie to my mom because she does not like me seeing, dating, or speaking about my love but, I just do not know what to do.

Can you give me advice if I should stay with my partner and just be with her whether my mom likes it or not and continue lying to my mother or end the relationship or what? And if I do decide to stay with my love I know my mom will not accept it and the only way I can be with my love is to wait until I turn 18. But I am not sure if my partner is willing to wait that long. So what should I do?

Dear 14,

Whereas I’d like to just side with you and tell you that your Mom is just being homophobic, I’m not sure that’s the whole story here.

My alarms went off when I saw that you are 14 and your partner is 18. A four-year age difference isn’t a lot when you are 20 and 24 or 40 and 44, but at your age, there are some big developmental and societal differences.

At 14 you are just entering high school. She is most likely graduated and legally an adult. You are living with your parents and going to school. She is probably working or in college and establishing herself as an adult. She can drive, vote and buy cigarettes and lottery tickets. You have to ask your parents permission to go out at night. It may not seem like it to you, but these differences make a big impact on how mature a relationship can be. She can come and go as she pleases, you are having to hide things from your mom.

Because of age of consent laws, in most states, a 14 year old is not considered legally old enough to give her consent to have sex. If you do have a sexual relationship, your partner could be charged with Statutory Rape, which means having sex with someone who is under the age of consent—even if you are a willing partner in the sexual act. Statutory rape is a serious crime and your partner could be treated as a sex offender if the authorities get involved.

If you continue to sneak around your mom’s back to see her and she finds out, she will learn that you cannot be trusted. What if your mom turns your girlfriend in to the police? This could get really messy, really fast.

I suggest ending this relationship, not for your mom, but for yourself and for your partner. You’re right, she may not wait around for you. This has nothing to do with you being bisexual. I would have the same reaction if you were dating an 18 year old boy. It may make a difference to your mom, I am not sure.

You cannot control how you feel about your girlfriend, but you can control your actions. I suggest cooling it for now. If you really love her, you won’t put her in this vulnerable situation. If she really loves you, she will give you the space to grow up a little and seek you out in a few years.

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